Ramblings

I find myself feeling very sad and guilty that I am unable to focus on what are very important tasks in my activism. I am not sure if this is an accurate statement or if this is just my attempt to make myself feel better, but I recall when I was 13 or so someone in a depression forum said that if they got out of bed and fed their cat, that was a successful day.

So long as you don’t surrender to the horrors of depression and self destruction, you are alright. I hope that fighting towards ending or correcting behaviors as a BPD adds to that “success” for all I can think of right now is what I do daily.

While it is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, it is a way to cope. To keep me from suicides edge, mainly.

Until I am able to get back to my activism as I need and want, surely having a hobby that sort of dominates but gives reason to my waking now that abandonment has proven, once again, certain; does that make the hobby less important, more important, or neither?

Is doing what you must to get by acceptable? Especially if the future will be different, no matter how many times you are attacked with words of hate from the center of your universe. The future will be different, and knowing such, I suppose the acceptance of this is where I am now in my coping mechanisms makes it okay… Right?

It is not final, it hurts no one… And it keeps me from death, whatever good that means.

And yes, I am intentionally not saying what this is. But it isn’t anything self harming or destructive. Just not productive…and it makes me feel like a failure. But if it keeps me going until I am able to obtain the better days I know I could have, and I know I WILL reach, then maybe it is more productive than I initially thought?