There is no understanding of what it is to lose control. Perhaps it is just too far beyond others comprehension, that a mental illness can actually cause severely disrupting problems… Or, maybe they are just too good to be bothered by it. Maybe everything was just a joke and a lie all along.
I don’t know; but I do know for the past 3 days I’ve been on a down fall. People I know act like I’m exhausted over nothing, that I’m mentally wrecked in a way I’ve never been broken. Apparently, doing “caregiver” work full time to my grandmother whom is in her 80s and whom I love, apparently that is nothing. These sort have no idea what it s like and I envy them.
It’s not that I hate being here for her, even. It’s that it’s never enough, that no one seems to realize I’m dying nor does anyone give a fuck. I am losing my life because I’m too weak to move on my own.
Severe mental illnesses, lack of others understanding past a certain degree and taking care of my declining grandma is killing me. When I come out of an episode everything is supposed to be easy on them; what the hell about me? Does it appear any mentally ill person wants to be in anguish?
I don’t know why I am writing this. I feel like this is the start of a decent sized suicide note. No one is taking how desperate I am. And when they do, they expect me to jump and behave as though I am not currently controlled by these taunting, hateful smiles and screams.
And people wonder how we end up dead.
No, that is not a threat.
Just What the Doctor Ordered... 