Random Personal Rant

I am very bitter and resentful towards my life at times despite it giving me the ability to relate to others, empathize and want to help anyone suffering as well as fight injustices that are going on. The bitterness, the self hate and resent comes in when I wake up motivated, start to do something I’ve been trying to do for over a year -literally- which goes well for about half an hour. 

Then BPD and dissociation kicks in. If no one can see me, am I real? Does any of this matter if no one notices me? Am I watching the world and those in it, even those I know the closest if they are engaged in other activities? 

I feel silenced, I feel like I’m in a snow globe, like I’m shouting and no one can hear me. Then the panic begins to rise. Hives come. I want to cry and hide but I have no where to go. I know I am a misunderstood burden; I know my behaviors and voice, when I break through the glass, betray me. 

I hate, resent, and loathe myself and mental illnesses.