What Does It Mean

This post is about an aspect I do not know the name for. I have some idea but right now I just need to vent…

I have always struggled with being unseen… it started with me as a very young teenager finding my reading and writing a lot harder to do if I was not on the phone or messaging someone. It quickly went to needing to be on camera in order to do work, or, my work being public enough to know that it would be seen. Still, the best and mos effective way for me to work is when the person I need most is doing their own thing, but in the same room or on camera with me. Without being seen, I begin to feel like I do not exist. I can physically feel myself fading away; I remain firm in my beliefs, but my ability to act on what I want to do starts to fail.

Even when I have the above, if I am not noticed by the other person, I become obsessed with wondering what is wrong with me… And it all turns into a waste of time.

I have things I need to do today, I want to do. But I don’t know if it’ll matter because the overwhelming empty hole inside of me that I cannot mask or ignore when alone is engulfing me.

And I don’t really understand what this all means.