Consumed & Forgotten

Part of my Borderline is I begin to cease to exist when I am unseen, in particular. I don’t need to have an on going conversation with the person on the other end of the camera, in fact, it’s usually best if we just do our own thing. Ideally, random sharing of whatever each of us is doing or points of interest would occur, as would random words of reassurance and validation. I love to give these, but over time have learned to try and tone it down.

For all the negative traits we Borderlines may have in the intensity in which we feel, there is no one who can love like we can, I believe that to be one of the utmost truths and few positive things about us. As I always note, there are different types of Borderlines so I can only speak for myself and others like me, who I have spoken to and who indeed have agreed with this.

I believe I have a purpose; a reason bigger than I can pin point at this time. I believe my spirit is here, at this time, on this earth, with reason. I also believe distractions are thrown at me to try and keep me from accomplishing whatever I am meant to accomplish.

I missed out on a once in a life time opportunity yesterday, yet another once in a life time opportunity like so many others I’ve missed out on since I was much younger. Additionally, despite things truly being out of my hand, I missed what would have put me in a much safer, progressive situation.

It sounds ridiculous and I am not sure how to even research it, but if I am alone and working, knowing that more than likely no one will even care about the end result, I struggle to continue because I begin to fade. I need to have everything perfect, I can see myself, I can look down and watch myself working; but if no one else can see me, how can I truly be there? And if they do see me, what do they think?

So, of course, I must be presentable. And when you see a monster in the mirror, it makes it so much harder to accomplish all of this and then still have the energy to do the work you really, really want to do. The work you believe you were destined to do.

Web cameras became vital to me as a teen, I’ve grown up with them on, a best friend on the other end, and us doing our own thing or hanging out together, either one. Now, it seems people in my life can’t understand, don’t want to understand or perhaps their lives have just been so good that they don’t understand the need…

There is one who seems to understand but if I dive into my work, visually we see the other, but I am being selfish and never has my work been in the least bit interesting.

I know the problem is me, I suppose this is just me ranting; ranting because I want with to be able to get back to a place I can safely work and not be alone… I also want to increase the depth of this blog, but would it achieve anything or just be a broken record?

Bottom line; I get lost in whatever I am doing, and whatever I can’t see, for that time, doesn’t exist, if I let myself fully go. I need to escape but when one escapes, and comes back to this reality and no one is here…it is very scary. I am not sure how to cope with it.

I think what it all boils down to is while I am “away” so to speak, I am afraid I’ll be forgotten. Not that I’m worth remembering, but… yeah. That’s all I’ve got for now.