As I stated in a recent post about boundaries, I am not very good with them. I do not understand, but in that post, I made plans to try and create boundaries that I actually kept.
I failed, greatly. It put me in a position to where I have even more opportunity to either stand up for myself and my ‘boundaries’ or continue to live miserable. That’s one thing I’d like to add; I hate having to live with reminders -constant reminders- that I am a failure to whatever it is I am not doing or am doing. (Keeping it kinda cryptic tonight, I don’t know why.)
So here are a few things I am going to keep in mind as I try to stand up for myself this weekend…
So I can honestly tell anyone who may read this… I do not feel nor do those things except one. Not that I’m aware of.
- I do not feel safe to express myself,
- I do not feel safe to say no,
- I can accept others saying no.
- I am currently sucking at being in control of my happiness
- I try to always anticipate what a person I care for may need, though lately I have been sucking at this also. In context to work related stuff however, I don’t want to let people down on one hand, on the other, I am hurt and even angry they can’t see I can’t even do what I’ve dreamed of and enjoy doing, I do not like working with other people, and this does not mean I do not care for someone, it means it is too stressful and that is not something I can change…as I’ve been told I can. ANSWER: I TRY TO PUT THE NEEDS OF OTHERS, ESPECIALLY THOSE I LOVE FIRST. I DON’T ALWAYS SUCCEED, BUT I DO TRY.
- * just curious but while I think that is the right thing to do, is it? No one is looking out to make sure I reach my dreams…why am I going out of my way to ensure …. others?… bah moving on
- Clearly communicating my wants and needs… I think I do that, for the most part. When it gets rejected, though, I am quick to shut down. I’m not sure how well I express or communicate my reasons, but I think I do fair in making it clear when I want to say no…maybe… via hints perhaps….
- This is the most disappointing one to me right now. No. I wanted to, hence my attempt at it on the 19th when I posted that blog. But I failed. Now I have a chance again. I’m afraid I will fail, and then I’ll be alone, a burden and without hope.
Maybe that’s the key. I’m afraid.
That’s a weak excuse if you don’t understand the depth of fear I speak of…..
The goal is
stand my ground, not go against what my boundaries and go for my dreams, instead of letting others weigh me down.
Can I do it this time?
I suppose we will find out.
If anyone reads this…thank you…
Just What the Doctor Ordered... 