Category: Survival

My Self Worth & Value Depends On Inanimate Objects; Any Thoughts On What This Means?

I do not know if it is trauma related, bpd or some other mental illness related behavior; but I think it's time I open up about something I am ashamed of, yet at this moment know to be solid truth. First, let me state; I am not a particularly materialistic person. However, I have always … Continue reading My Self Worth & Value Depends On Inanimate Objects; Any Thoughts On What This Means?

Is It I’m Going Too Slow, Doing Too Much, Or Perhaps I’m Doing Suspended In Nothingness?

I am very angry at myself over this. Any feedback would be very much appreciated, if anyone relates or if anyone has advice, either comments, tumblr, email... Please... let me know if I am being weak? Is THIS The Problem? Since I was 14 I have been devoted to nothing but fighting racism in the … Continue reading Is It I’m Going Too Slow, Doing Too Much, Or Perhaps I’m Doing Suspended In Nothingness?

The Curse of The Past & Future

Dr. Fox talks about one big challenge for borderlines (and I suppose any severe mental illness) is when we make progress and step forward, those around us push us down. Expecting the same thing as before, they give nothing positive and cry out in a manner that is trying to predict the future; a future … Continue reading The Curse of The Past & Future

Day 1 – Quick Look at Differences At My First Ketamine Infusion

I’ve read some people talking about how Ketamine infusion impacted them in some weird ways, so I just thought I’d share what happened with me. I'll write out my full experience in the future, but right now there are some things I've noticed different that I feel are good changes. Since I had my infusion, … Continue reading Day 1 – Quick Look at Differences At My First Ketamine Infusion

Borderline Personality Disorder, Self Destructive Sub Type

I want to share this in case anyone is interested...  Of course, being on the severe end of BPD I do have traits in all 4 sub-types. However, it is overwhelmingly clear my diagnosis is 100% self destructive. I have every thing on that ... check list, where as the others I may have one … Continue reading Borderline Personality Disorder, Self Destructive Sub Type

BPD “Anger” – It’s A Protective Mask; But Who Remembers That?

One of the hardest things for me to live with is my inability to turn my defenses off except under certain circumstances; i.e., my being alone for a period of time. Off and on people come and go and may understand that when I say I need to be alone, I mean, I need to be … Continue reading BPD “Anger” – It’s A Protective Mask; But Who Remembers That?

Sad, but Anger Protects Me: A Post on Relationships and the Myth of Mental Illness and Lack of Intelligence

I think it is amazing that people can "accept" (as much as they can) that I have issues controlling my anger when I am hurt; yet, when things are hard for them, my mental health is supposed to magically get better and my reactive behaviors of course are supposed to cease.  I am very well … Continue reading Sad, but Anger Protects Me: A Post on Relationships and the Myth of Mental Illness and Lack of Intelligence

Always to be an Orphan… Unnoticed

A rant written on my iPhone in the emergency room a few days ago, while waiting to learn how the woman I view as a mother was going to fair. There are other "parental" emotions and such involved but I won't go into those details. I am simply posting this because I hope it will serve the purpose of … Continue reading Always to be an Orphan… Unnoticed