Emotional Changes, Please Understand

I cannot say how many ‘friends’ I have lost, how many people I have let down nor how many times I’ve let myself down because of the above quote. This is one of the most embarrassing and frustrating it is to not be able to maintain a consistent state of mind. My emotions can change in under a second and most of the time it’s not even for reasons that I can make sense out of, so of course I don’t expect other people to understand.

Whenever I am in an extra ‘extrovert’ mood I know that soon the crash will come. It always happens even when I tell myself it won’t. “Think positive” and “manifesting my day via the medium of belief” doesn’t work for me. Maybe it’s because somewhere deep inside I don’t really believe the positive words I try and reinforce or believe? Maybe it’s simply the fact I have Borderline and this is, right now, what my brain understands it must do to cope?

I am not sure what it is preparing for, it doesn’t let me in on that. And the crash that comes is an epic depression of suicidal ideation and self destructive behavior. I can’t remain calm otherwise and people take my voices tone of irritation, frustration and self hate as an attack on them.

I don’t have many BPD friends but there is one in particular who can function and go out despite the now regretful choice of 5 minutes ago. They suffer, yes. They suffer as they get ready, they battle anxiety, they are nervous but they go. I am the opposite, at least in the fact that I don’t go. I make excuses, I hide or if it is one of the few rare

people I trust I try to tell them my mind can’t handle “it” but I can feel and sense the annoyance and frustration as well as the lack of understanding in their responses. They don’t realize how deeply it hurts to have to go back on my word. They don’t understand the deep pain, literally deep, physically felt in my chest pains I have because I fear losing them due to letting them down.

No matter if I tell the truth or make an excuse and hide, I never get away from the anxiety. It consumes me until I dissociate, cut or so forth.

I have many things I plan on doing and want to do, but my emotions are all powerful and they, for the time being and all of my life, control me. Forcing me is not the answer, but more trauma. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I will find it. I believe having compassion and understanding support is vital to the healing process; just as vital as having someone guide and teach me how to fix the parts of my brain that didn’t develop or are under developed due to persistent, on going abandonment and trauma as a child.

If there is one thing I wish non-bpd’s who have a loved one that is bpd would understanding is when we cancel plans or say we can do something and then changes our minds, it’s nothing personal and it’s really not even because we don’t want to. People must understand how powerful a brain without BPD and other serious mental illness(es) can be, and then amplify the intensity of those emotions by at least 50.

I’ll close this with an accurate quote from a doctor: